He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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