i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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