You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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