some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
