and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
