I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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