i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
