so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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