If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
