Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we're making bets on your personal life
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
