I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
