If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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