so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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