i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
