Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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