i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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