your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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