I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
