Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
