I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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