just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
