This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
