MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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