What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize