my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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