i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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