I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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