he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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