i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
