i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize