I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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