Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
