Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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