I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
