You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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