Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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