About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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