Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
