highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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