just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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