So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
