I love black thongs
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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