Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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