I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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