I feel like abortions should bother me more
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
