I'm eating all of the evidence.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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