I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My liver just broke up with me...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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