The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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