it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
