trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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