O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
