i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize