Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
