I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
