DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
