oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
