I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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