He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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